Read on about my honest experience of an Ayahuasca Retreat in Colombia. Just be aware – this won’t be the usual happy ending story with this plant medicine that you’ve likely come across before.

What is Ayahuasca?

This depends very much on who you ask. On the one hand, a shaman or healer will tell you that it’s a healing plant, retrieved from specific trees found in the Amazon in South America. More specifically, a plant with many healing properties for the mind and body. Ayahuasca is for example said to be able to heal trauma from the past.

On the other hand, a scientist might categorize Ayahuasca as a psychedelic drug. Most people who have tried it would probably agree that drinking this plant offered them the chance to enter a different dimension of their mind and soul, helping them to understand their existence and lives better. Furthermore, some first research suggests that Ayahuasca might be able to relieve individuals from symptoms of mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.

Ayahuasca retreats in the South American Amazon but also globally have become more and more popular. Having spent 10 months in South America recently, I kept on hearing about it from other travellers and got more and more curious.

Why am I writing about this?

Because I want to share my personal story with Ayahuasca. Before I decided on trying it, I of course did my own research and read many blog posts about ‘life-changing’ experiences. In hindsight, I’ve noticed that there isn’t as much content about negative experiences out there and I think it’s important to paint a realistic picture of an Ayahuasca retreat in Colombia.

Why did I try Ayahuasca in the first place?

A great question. I have known about Ayahuasca for maybe a couple of years. I have some close friends who have tried it and during my travels, I met many other travelers who have joined an Ayahuasca retreat in Colombia or elsewhere in South America. For the longest time, I never felt ready for it, I was incredibly scared, especially about the fact that most people have to throw up during the ceremony.

Furthermore I was also scared about losing control because I had heard about the intensity with which Ayahuasca kicks in. However, eventually the day came when I suddenly felt like it was time for me to try it and I was ready. I wanted to see for myself whether this mysterious plant could help me in my healing journey. And I absolutely recommend anyone to not force themselves – if you don’t feel ready, don’t take Ayahuasca!

What was my Ayahuasca retreat in Colombia like?

I took Ayahuasca on the Carribean coast of Colombia, in a ceremony guided by a female Shamana (there are very few female shamanas so I really liked the idea). I shared the experience with four other women whom I had met during my Yoga Teacher Training and one of our teachers was there for emotional support and guidance as well. This made me feel safer as she spoke English and I had already created an emotional bond with her.

We got the opportunity to meet the Shamana upfront and got to ask any questions we might have. I immediately had a good gut feeling about her, which was important to me.

On the evening of the ceremony, we all gathered in some kind of a tree house with matrasses on the ground for us to lie down. After we received some further explanations about Ayahuasca’s origin, the Shamana gave us something called Rapé, a sacred tobacco from the Amazon. This tobacco is blown into your nostrils and is used to cleanse your body and spirit.

When I saw the Shamana administer the Rapé to the other women and this is where I probably should have stopped the whole process. Seeing how intensely the other women reacted (they started crying, screaming pain and vomiting) brought me into a huge state of anxiety. This also led me to refuse the Rapé procedure for myself, I was too scared.

Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to my gut feeling because I was determined that I wanted to try the medicine and see what it would do to me. So we got administered a cup with the liquid plant and laid down on our mattresses. Shortly after, I started feeling it. I got more into my head and it got harder to sit up or move my body. My vision got blurred, I lost all sense of time and my surroundings were distorted. I tried calming myself down by breathing and telling myself that it is all going to be okay. But unfortunately, I was fighting with my own mind which started giving me anxiety.

What if I will stay like this forever? What if I get stuck on the trip? What if this will have negative long-term effects on my brain?

I was so busy calming myself down, somehow controlling the situation, my mind and my body. I was ultra-self-aware about any changes in my perception, pedantically checking how I was feeling, what changes I perceived and telling myself that I was still more or less in control. Then it got better. The effects waved off a little bit. I survived! I was relieved.

Or so I thought. Because shortly after, Ayahuasca hit me even more intensely. So intensely that I wasn’t able to move anymore, was barely able to signal that I needed help. Worst of all, I was not able to keep my eyes open anymore, which is what I had tried doing for most of the time to not see the nasty pictures Ayahuasca was trying to show me. I just wasn’t able let go into the experience. It felt like I was feeling all of the anxiety I have ever felt in my life at once. My whole body was aching incredibly. I felt so nauseous but wasn’t able to throw up.

I could barely handle it. In my mind I was begging for it to stop. Not sure who I was begging. Ayahuasca. The universe? The night felt like it lasted forever. The helper kept telling me that soon the sun will come up and then it would be over. So I kept looking at the sky to grasp a glimpse of daylight but darkness kept staring back at me. Ayahuasca trips usually last between 6 to 8 hours but it felt like a lifetime of suffering.

A little later that night, I started crying. I cried like I’d never cried before, screaming, tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t even stop anymore. I couldn’t tell what I was crying about, I was showered in sadness and it needed to get out. After what felt like many hours of crying, I eventually stopped and felt a little calmer. Suddenly I felt deep gratitude because I was able to release so much sadness from the past that must have been stuck in my body for so long. For me, this was the most valuable part of the experience.

Unfortunately afterward it was still not over. I went through more hours of suffering, pain and wishing nothing more but for this to stop. A little while later the effect finally decreased and only then I was able to let go into the experience and take in a few of the messages that Ayahuasca was trying to send me.

At some point, I must have fallen asleep. At last, I opened my eyes and finally saw the sun coming up on the horizon. My brain felt mushed and I still didn’t feel like myself which brought my anxiety right back on. Was I really never going to feel like myself again?

This kind of paranoid, anxious feeling still stuck with me until the next day when I had a full-on panic attack because I was so scared that my brain and being had been changed forever. The following week or so my mental health was still not great. It left me disappointed and frustrated but looking back on it now, at least I gave it a shot.

My advice to you and final thoughts

Even though I didn’t have the best experience I wouldn’t tell people not to try Ayahuasca. I think it can be very helpful for their healing journey and I have heard some incredibly powerful stories from others. However, there are a few things I would do differently looking back and that I’d recommend to you:

• Try Ayahuasca somewhere where they are used to working with people who suffer from anxiety (they exist, however more likely in the Western world). For example, whereas the more traditional Ayahuasca retreats give the same dosage to everyone, retreats in the western world tailor it more to your specific needs.
• Listen to your gut feeling. When at any point you don’t feel safe, don’t be afraid to leave the experience (potentially for another time).
• Don’t expect that this plant will magically heal you from one day to the next. It can surely help but it also can’t work wonders.
• Don’t think that you will miss out on healing if you decide not to try it. You don’t. There are other ways to get the insights that Ayahuasca can bring you, for example, a silence meditation retreat (Vipassana).
• If you do decide to do an Ayahuasca retreat in Colombia or elsewhere in South America, please go by recommendations of people that you trust in order to find a good retreat. There are many stories going around of women getting raped while high on the plant.

Final thoughts

To sum up, please don’t take the decision to take Ayahuasca lightly. There have been cases of death due to Ayahuasca. Of course, they are rare but I still think people should know. Furthermore, it can be very difficult to integrate your experience into your life so do make sure that you are aware of potential psychological risks as well, especially if you are already struggling with your mental health. In any case, it would be a good idea to make sure that you’ll have support from someone experienced after the session as well. Finally, do as much research as possible and weigh the pros and cons for yourself.

Wishing you all a wonderful experience!